Schemes of Science and Sport

Schemes of Science and Sport

by phi1997

Director Thorne the Skunk Gelert had always been amused by the names that the Neopian calendar gave to months. It may have been the Month of Relaxing, but relaxing could not be further from his mind. The top-secret off-station lab DUSK-1 needed to get results to be allowed to stay operational, and their progress for Y8 was not where Director Thorne wanted it to be. Ordinarily, there would be no cause for concern, but the delay of the Y6 invasion had been an embarrassment for Virtupets and all of its off-shoots, and the new date was still undecided. Anything but excellence was liable to anger Dr. Sloth even further, and as the lab’s director, Thorne would be held responsible for any failure.

And yet, one thing that had pulled Director Thorne’s attention a little bit away from his work. A sporting tournament had just been announced, something called the Altador Cup, an event that had not been held for a millenium. Teams representing all the lands of Neopia would be competing in a sport called Yooyuball, and of course, Virtupets had a team among the lineup. Director Thorne had paid little attention to sports, but with all of Neopia watching, his curiosity was piqued. Virtupets was the only team with any robotic players, giving them a clear upper hand. The technology on display had not come from DUSK-1’s research, but it was Virtupets tech all the same, and it would be fascinating to watch what would come of it. A small deviation from his schedule could produce ideas for new research.

Besides, a mere sporting event couldn’t possibly disrupt the operations of a top-secret lab.

-------------

Director Thorne had remained in his office for hours. His subordinates’ reports had to wait. He had an urgent call to make. Dr. Sloth’s personal line was often clogged by minor complaints, but Director Thorne’s concerns were of the utmost importance. He would wait as long as his master required.

After what felt like an eternity, Dr. Sloth picked up. “Director Thorne. Have any of your teams made a breakthrough?” said the cold voice on the other end.

“Eliminated in the first round! It wasn’t even close! This is unacceptable!” Director Thorne spat into the receiver.

“I- What breed of nonsense are you babbling on about?!” said Dr. Sloth.

“The Altador Cup, of course!” said Director Thorne. “Our team-”

“Why should I waste my precious time listening to your simple-minded thoughts on such a trifling competition?” said Dr. Sloth. “You will explain yourself, or you will find yourself with neither your current position nor oxygen to breathe.”

“We were competing against all of Neopia and Kreludor! This was our chance to remind them of our superiority, and we blew it! Even Team Kreludor somehow managed to put up a better fight than Team Virtupets, and they lost too! Our team was completely unfit for purpose, and now Neopia will think we’re just twiddling our thumbs!” said Director Thorne.

“And how, exactly, is this relevant to your work?” said Dr. Sloth.

“The Altador Cup was clearly important enough for some R&D team to make a forward and a goalie for it! Virtupets technology, ours included, only looks as good as the personnel it’s paired with, and whoever picked out the flesh-and-blood players clearly stopped trying halfway through,” said Director Thorne.

“Hmm. Explain.”

“That Buzz, Kerib Vickers, is completely unsuited for our needs. Get rid of it. Even a novice would have done better. Also, I have some concerns regarding the team captain, Keetra Deile. Prodigy or not, that Cybunny choked the moment the enemy used a strategy not in the team’s playbook. I don’t think we need to get a new one, but some sort of new training regimen is clearly in order.”

“Duly noted,” said Dr. Sloth. “Now, what do you, personally, intend to do to improve the team? It will be something relevant to your lab, assuming you want it to remain operational.”

“I’ll have one of my teams design a new goalie. The Z-4B Goalinator leaves a lot of room for improvement. Its all-terrain hover engines are squandered on a goalie that only needs to operate on a court. Traditional wheels with specialized treads would more than suffice. It could also be improved if it had a tail that could intercept the ball if it goes behind the goalie,” said Director Thorne.

“Very well, I shall give you one chance. Your design will be ready by the end of Y9, or DUSK-1’s operations will be terminated, and your life along with it,” said Dr. Sloth.

“Understood, master. Thank you, master.”

Without sparing another word, Dr. Sloth cut the line. Director Thorne had no time to waste.

-------------

Director Thorne burst into the satellite’s cybernetics division. There, he was greeted by a head technician.

“Oh! Director! I need to show you-”

“Doesn’t matter!” said Director Thorne. “New orders just came in from Dr. Sloth himself! Your team is going to design a new goalie for the Virtupets Yooyuball team who will have wheels and a tail, or your team is going to lose its job.”

“B-but our prototype Infinite-Use Robotification Zappermajig is almost functional!”

“Scrap it!” yelled Director Thorne. “Your orders are clear. Get to work, or I’ll let Dr. Sloth know you’re slacking off. Do you understand?”

The head technician stared at Director Thorne and stammered incoherently.

Director Thorne growled. “I said, do you understand?”

“Y-yes, sir!”

“Good,” said Director Thorne. “My apologies for losing my composure. You and your team’s track record is immaculate. I would not assign you such an important task if I was not completely certain your success was guaranteed, especially with DUSK-1’s continued operation on the line.”

“I... Thank you, Director Thorne. What is the deadline for the machine?”

“Dr. Sloth wants the design by the end of Y9,” said Director Thorne. “He made no mention of the programming, so for now, assume it will be handled by the team on the flagship station that handled the current goalie’s programming.”

The head technician grinned. “This will be easy. We can have a prototype done in 3 months,” said the head technician. “Since it’s going to be public-facing, I’ll try to ensure it looks endearing. Should be a fun change of pace.”

“Perfect. I’m looking forward to seeing it on the field,” said Director Thorne. “I won’t keep you any longer.”

A rare smile appeared on Director Thorne’s face as he left the cybernetics lab. Once DUSK-1’s robot goalie obsoleted the Z-4B Goalinator, Dr. Sloth would undoubtedly dispose of the unlucky sap that had been given the job of making it and hand DUSK-1 the research behind it. The Z-4B Goalinator was a remarkable machine, to be sure, but it would be nothing compared to what would come out of what DUSK-1’s scientists would do once they had their hands on the experimental hover engines. The fewer engineering teams Virtupets had, the more funding DUSK-1 would receive. With that funding, experiments Director Thorne had been forbidden from running by the close-minded fools on Neopia would be able to go forward, and nothing could stop him.

Be it through conquest or through sport, Neopia would soon be reminded where they stood next to the might of Virtupets. DUSK-1 would play a crucial part in that triumph, and none of the fools on-planet would ever know it.